I know that "half" of all marriages end up in divorce, though I would love to see the statistics broken down in terms of socio-economic groups. However, I don't think I ever really, really considered how this could happen. I mean, if you loved the person you married, then you loved them, right? How could you go from loving them for 10 years to hating them? I've always had this romantic, idealistic view of being in love, and obviously, if I were to get married, this would never happen to me, right?
And I can see people fighting about how to raise their children, about money, about how to spend their time, etc, but if you considered that and discussed all that before hand, then you were ok, right?
But, people change. And since I'm pretty far from getting married, this isn't a real situation I'm talking about, except that it has happened to me, only not with boys, but with friends. You change, and your friends change, and then sometimes you grow apart, and you just don't think or view of your friend the same way that you did before. And then what? You can't go back to the days when you had a different relationship, because both of you have changed. And you can't ignore that your relationship has changed, because the dynamic, though subtle is different. And even if you did ignore it, you would know deep, deep down, that things were different.
I guess what I'm saying is, I never expected this to happen with some of my friends. But it has, and it does, and you just don't know it will. So what if I fall in love with someone, and then 5 or 10, or even 25 years later, they change or I change, or we both change, and it's not in the same way, and we fall out of love with one another?
8/28/11
How Do We Ever Know?
A question that I think about often is, how do we know? I have thought about this off and on for a while now, before ever having heard the philosophical term for it, epistemology, and how we come to "know" things, which I just learned of a few days ago. It seems that this is the branch of philosophy that asks about how we know things.
I didn't go so granular as to say, how do I know I exist? How do I know a thought or my thoughts? But more along the lines of, how will I know when I meet the person I am going to marry? How will or how do I know what career is right for me? How will I know?
Have you ever had a feeling (and as far as I can tell, I've only had a handful of these "feelings,") that you did know? I can think of two times in my life when I felt that I did "know" something about those two topics related to what was happening in my life, and I still remember these moments, because they were such strong feelings that I had.
One was about a boy. I had been dating someone very casually in New York, and we did the typical New York "thing." We saw each other once or twice a week and had a great time, and then didn't speak for the next few days, or didn't actually try to have a real relationship based on communication and caring. But yet, one day this boy sent me an e-mail, just any old 2-liner really, and I was just hit with this FEELING - and the feeling was "I am going to marry this guy.: Well - that has not turned out to be the case. In fact, our dating ended in disaster and I'm pretty certain that we aren't going to get married...and yet...that day...that feeling, was so strong, it was almost like a clear signal indicating to me something powerful and true.
The other feeling I had, and both of these were in the past 2 years, prior to that, of course I had had "feelings" about guys and jobs and "things happening for a reason" but these were just different somehow, was about a Philosophy class I ended up taking at UC Berkeley. I came across the class while searching for Sociology classes, and I just knew I had to take the class. There was no rhyme or reason to it, I had never scoured Philosophy classes in any course offering list prior to that day, but I read the 2 line description on learning about free will, and morality, and I was hooked. I quit my job, moved to California, and took the class, and it was truly, everything I had hoped it would be and more. And now, about a year later, I am enrolled in a Philosophy program, as opposed to Sociology, which was my original and much more practical, intention.
I still have yet to understand what these feelings were. Were they just feelings, though powerful, that were fleeting, and though meant much at the time, didn't mean much in the overall scheme of things? Did I interpret them too strongly, give them too much weight? On the one hand, I'm now studying Philosophy. But what about Sociology? And what about that guy? It ended in disaster, and yet, that day, wow, I will never forget that feeling.
I didn't go so granular as to say, how do I know I exist? How do I know a thought or my thoughts? But more along the lines of, how will I know when I meet the person I am going to marry? How will or how do I know what career is right for me? How will I know?
Have you ever had a feeling (and as far as I can tell, I've only had a handful of these "feelings,") that you did know? I can think of two times in my life when I felt that I did "know" something about those two topics related to what was happening in my life, and I still remember these moments, because they were such strong feelings that I had.
One was about a boy. I had been dating someone very casually in New York, and we did the typical New York "thing." We saw each other once or twice a week and had a great time, and then didn't speak for the next few days, or didn't actually try to have a real relationship based on communication and caring. But yet, one day this boy sent me an e-mail, just any old 2-liner really, and I was just hit with this FEELING - and the feeling was "I am going to marry this guy.: Well - that has not turned out to be the case. In fact, our dating ended in disaster and I'm pretty certain that we aren't going to get married...and yet...that day...that feeling, was so strong, it was almost like a clear signal indicating to me something powerful and true.
The other feeling I had, and both of these were in the past 2 years, prior to that, of course I had had "feelings" about guys and jobs and "things happening for a reason" but these were just different somehow, was about a Philosophy class I ended up taking at UC Berkeley. I came across the class while searching for Sociology classes, and I just knew I had to take the class. There was no rhyme or reason to it, I had never scoured Philosophy classes in any course offering list prior to that day, but I read the 2 line description on learning about free will, and morality, and I was hooked. I quit my job, moved to California, and took the class, and it was truly, everything I had hoped it would be and more. And now, about a year later, I am enrolled in a Philosophy program, as opposed to Sociology, which was my original and much more practical, intention.
I still have yet to understand what these feelings were. Were they just feelings, though powerful, that were fleeting, and though meant much at the time, didn't mean much in the overall scheme of things? Did I interpret them too strongly, give them too much weight? On the one hand, I'm now studying Philosophy. But what about Sociology? And what about that guy? It ended in disaster, and yet, that day, wow, I will never forget that feeling.
That we are Social Beings
Sociologists and psychologists are emphasizing that we are social beings, and thus, that our happiness relies heavily on social satisfaction (having friends, feeling needed, loved, respected, belonging, etc).
I am pleased to see more about this specific type of study (our social needs being related directly to our happiness) because I have always felt strongly that this was indeed the case for me.
I have always felt and believed, that I would not move far in my life without some type of real, recognizable, and invested social support (from my friends, boyfriends, or family). And, for me, this has been true.
Finally, at the age of 29, and aware that the situation is always changing, I feel that I have some true similar friends and fit in to the city I live in (San Francisco). This has absolutely enabled me to have more confidence in pursuing my own dreams, rather than hold back out of fear and lack of support.
Sometimes, for better or worse, things just take time. I knew that this (needing some specific social support) was what I needed in order to further in my own personal goals, but getting it was still not that easy. However, in fact, as I write this, I want to highlight that moving to the right city for me - one that fit with who I was and with what I liked to do, and that also offered the right kinds of opportunity and growth was key. It has made all the difference in my life.
Here is the Atlantic Monthly Article on new insights into our Happiness.
I am pleased to see more about this specific type of study (our social needs being related directly to our happiness) because I have always felt strongly that this was indeed the case for me.
I have always felt and believed, that I would not move far in my life without some type of real, recognizable, and invested social support (from my friends, boyfriends, or family). And, for me, this has been true.
Finally, at the age of 29, and aware that the situation is always changing, I feel that I have some true similar friends and fit in to the city I live in (San Francisco). This has absolutely enabled me to have more confidence in pursuing my own dreams, rather than hold back out of fear and lack of support.
Sometimes, for better or worse, things just take time. I knew that this (needing some specific social support) was what I needed in order to further in my own personal goals, but getting it was still not that easy. However, in fact, as I write this, I want to highlight that moving to the right city for me - one that fit with who I was and with what I liked to do, and that also offered the right kinds of opportunity and growth was key. It has made all the difference in my life.
Here is the Atlantic Monthly Article on new insights into our Happiness.
8/27/11
Confusion
People who know what they want to do when they are 12, and maintain that throughout their lives, are lucky.
They solved just one of the few modern day life challenges early on.
I'm still thinking about it, and to be quite honest, it causes me quite a lot of angst. One - because I haven't narrowed down which discipline it is that I really want to dedicate my life to, but I keep coming up with some combination of Philosophy + Sociology + Journalism + Writing + Behavior + Decision Sciences.
Do I really have to choose? Within Philosophy itself, there's applied ethics, modern philosophy ancient, epistemology, metaphysics, logic, etc. The sheer amount of branches blows my mind. How can I choose?
I remember wanting to do market research and not aggressively pursuing it because I let other people discourage me. In fact, I should have tried harder to pursue something I wanted, that being market research, at the time. Instead, I was passive and I waited, and I hated all of my jobs.
I can't keep looking behind though, I have to look forward too. I don't know, just the way other people talk about what they are doing, they had more conviction and certainty. And it may not be that they ACTUALLY HAVE more conviction and certainty, they just say and act like they have more certainty and confidence.
Ugh. It's painful. It's like, I want to be a Social Scientist, which points to Sociology, and I am by nature of how I thin, already a scientist, but for some stupid, painful reason I cannot explain, (seriously) - all invisible arrows point to Philosophy. Even though I really think I would be so good at Sociology, perhaps I would be EVEN better at Philosophy. Still trying to figure it out! Sigh.
They solved just one of the few modern day life challenges early on.
I'm still thinking about it, and to be quite honest, it causes me quite a lot of angst. One - because I haven't narrowed down which discipline it is that I really want to dedicate my life to, but I keep coming up with some combination of Philosophy + Sociology + Journalism + Writing + Behavior + Decision Sciences.
Do I really have to choose? Within Philosophy itself, there's applied ethics, modern philosophy ancient, epistemology, metaphysics, logic, etc. The sheer amount of branches blows my mind. How can I choose?
I remember wanting to do market research and not aggressively pursuing it because I let other people discourage me. In fact, I should have tried harder to pursue something I wanted, that being market research, at the time. Instead, I was passive and I waited, and I hated all of my jobs.
I can't keep looking behind though, I have to look forward too. I don't know, just the way other people talk about what they are doing, they had more conviction and certainty. And it may not be that they ACTUALLY HAVE more conviction and certainty, they just say and act like they have more certainty and confidence.
Ugh. It's painful. It's like, I want to be a Social Scientist, which points to Sociology, and I am by nature of how I thin, already a scientist, but for some stupid, painful reason I cannot explain, (seriously) - all invisible arrows point to Philosophy. Even though I really think I would be so good at Sociology, perhaps I would be EVEN better at Philosophy. Still trying to figure it out! Sigh.
8/26/11
Careers and Love in My 20's
When I was in High School, I thought I knew everything. I thought I would be a millionaire by the time I was 21. And, if I had not gone down the very route many go down, (college, first job), who knows what would have happened? I was a very ambitious and hard-working 17 year old at the time.
But, I did go to college and this isn't about the what if anyway. This is about the now, and how I got to where I am RIGHT NOW.
I went to college thinking I would go into business. But, when I got there, I almost immediately changed as a person. I started appreciating having fun, and my leisure time, for once! I didn't want to put my nose to the ground like I had in high school and grind. I just wanted to have fun and be like everybody else.
Instead of going to the very prestigious undergraduate business school, as planned, I ended up being an Economics major for practical reasons. I was marketable in terms of getting a good job after school, and it was a broad major that would keep many doors open. I did not, by any means, study Economics because it interested or fascinated me.
The rest of my career up until this point is barely worth speaking about. I have held uninspiring jobs in fields I cared little about, until now. In retrospect, it's really no wonder that I was quite miserable in that facet of my life all throughout my 20's. Some people don't let their job affect them, and they live and enjoy their life otherwise, but for me, it was a huge dark cloud in my otherwise wonderful life.
I am happy learning now. I know that whatever comes next, will be much, much better than before, because I have finally learned and decided to pursue what I like and love, as opposed to just doing something to earn an income. I can't tell you what a huge difference this step has made in my life.
With regards to love, wow, I guess I have as many stories as I have career switches (there have been many). All the mistakes I made, all the stupid games I played, PHEW. I guess I'll save those for another time, but I guess - no, I know - that I am a late bloomer, and that I shouldn't be so hard on myself. But then again, boy did I make some stupid, stupid moves. Over and over and over again.
1 - Playing Games
2 - Putting Obstacles where there need not be one.
3 - The person you are dating is a human being with feelings.
4 - Really, piss poor, terrible communication.
I think that about sums it up. Need I go into more detail? Playing games, waiting for the other person to reach out to you instead of just calling them myself because I was thinking about them. Hiding my feelings because I thought that would make the chase more exciting, and that they would like me more. Or out of fear. I mean, I could rationalize this - because people, or maybe just girls, do actually want what they can't have (silly) - but in general this is just a nonsensical strategy that gets you nowhere, in my opinion.
Putting obstacles where there not be one - I would try so so hard to make it nearly impossible for a guy to get close to me. Not on purpose, but unconsciously. And if it was getting to the point where they could get close to me, I would immediately put an obstacle in between me and him. That usually, no in fact, almost always resulted in me getting dumped, and then being very, very depressed about it.
I also never seemed to "get" that the person I was dating, well, was a human being with feelings. I know that sounds incredibly obtuse, stupid, and insensitive, and well - maybe I was. No, actually, let's just say - Yes, I was. Yes, that's right...the person you are dating Diane has feelings and you should heed their feelings, since if you are in a relationship, that generally means that you care about somebody else besides yourself. I just didn't get that.
Communication. This is a tough one but crucial one, and I actually think it would be fair of me to say that this could have been improved on both sides with many of the people I dated. It's like the chicken or the egg, which one comes first? If any of the guys I had dated had approached me by wanting to have an open, honest conversation, that would have paved the way for open communication and a healthy relationship. At least, we would have stood a chance. And, I could have easily done that too. But, I was a terrible communicator, and scared to do it in some cases, so I never thought to or I never did.
I will go into more specific career and dating stories (they are closely tied and related to each other in my life) in detail later on! For now - I just had to get that off my chest.
But, I did go to college and this isn't about the what if anyway. This is about the now, and how I got to where I am RIGHT NOW.
I went to college thinking I would go into business. But, when I got there, I almost immediately changed as a person. I started appreciating having fun, and my leisure time, for once! I didn't want to put my nose to the ground like I had in high school and grind. I just wanted to have fun and be like everybody else.
Instead of going to the very prestigious undergraduate business school, as planned, I ended up being an Economics major for practical reasons. I was marketable in terms of getting a good job after school, and it was a broad major that would keep many doors open. I did not, by any means, study Economics because it interested or fascinated me.
The rest of my career up until this point is barely worth speaking about. I have held uninspiring jobs in fields I cared little about, until now. In retrospect, it's really no wonder that I was quite miserable in that facet of my life all throughout my 20's. Some people don't let their job affect them, and they live and enjoy their life otherwise, but for me, it was a huge dark cloud in my otherwise wonderful life.
I am happy learning now. I know that whatever comes next, will be much, much better than before, because I have finally learned and decided to pursue what I like and love, as opposed to just doing something to earn an income. I can't tell you what a huge difference this step has made in my life.
With regards to love, wow, I guess I have as many stories as I have career switches (there have been many). All the mistakes I made, all the stupid games I played, PHEW. I guess I'll save those for another time, but I guess - no, I know - that I am a late bloomer, and that I shouldn't be so hard on myself. But then again, boy did I make some stupid, stupid moves. Over and over and over again.
1 - Playing Games
2 - Putting Obstacles where there need not be one.
3 - The person you are dating is a human being with feelings.
4 - Really, piss poor, terrible communication.
I think that about sums it up. Need I go into more detail? Playing games, waiting for the other person to reach out to you instead of just calling them myself because I was thinking about them. Hiding my feelings because I thought that would make the chase more exciting, and that they would like me more. Or out of fear. I mean, I could rationalize this - because people, or maybe just girls, do actually want what they can't have (silly) - but in general this is just a nonsensical strategy that gets you nowhere, in my opinion.
Putting obstacles where there not be one - I would try so so hard to make it nearly impossible for a guy to get close to me. Not on purpose, but unconsciously. And if it was getting to the point where they could get close to me, I would immediately put an obstacle in between me and him. That usually, no in fact, almost always resulted in me getting dumped, and then being very, very depressed about it.
I also never seemed to "get" that the person I was dating, well, was a human being with feelings. I know that sounds incredibly obtuse, stupid, and insensitive, and well - maybe I was. No, actually, let's just say - Yes, I was. Yes, that's right...the person you are dating Diane has feelings and you should heed their feelings, since if you are in a relationship, that generally means that you care about somebody else besides yourself. I just didn't get that.
Communication. This is a tough one but crucial one, and I actually think it would be fair of me to say that this could have been improved on both sides with many of the people I dated. It's like the chicken or the egg, which one comes first? If any of the guys I had dated had approached me by wanting to have an open, honest conversation, that would have paved the way for open communication and a healthy relationship. At least, we would have stood a chance. And, I could have easily done that too. But, I was a terrible communicator, and scared to do it in some cases, so I never thought to or I never did.
I will go into more specific career and dating stories (they are closely tied and related to each other in my life) in detail later on! For now - I just had to get that off my chest.
8/21/11
The Pros and Cons of Being an Employee
For the most part, I have appreciated the financial rewards and leisure time that being an employee has allowed for me. On the other hand, I’ve have also felt that most of my jobs have been a waste of my time. This could be partially be because I was never doing what I really wanted to be doing (learning, being challenged, and coming up with new studies or researching ideas that could have relevance in the real world).
Everyone has a different risk profile, but here are a few of my thoughts about the pros and cons of working for someone else-
The pros to being an employee:
1 - You don't take on the risk of the success or failure of the business. A lot of businesses fail.
2 – You can leave work at work.
3 – Your level of responsibility and overall burden can be less, depending on the company and role.
4 – You gain work experience, and learn, and are compensated.
5 – You have more leisure time.
The cons to being an employee:
1 - You will always "work for the man" and have reported to somebody other than yourself for your entire career.
2 - You built somebody else’s idea and worked towards and for their interests.
3 - After 20-30 years of hard work, dedication, sweat, tears, and blood, there is still a good chance that you will on the job market as a senior level candidate looking for work before you retire.
5 - Unless you are in the top 2-5% of your field, you are replaceable. Even the President of the United States is replaceable.
6 - Though you had a successful career, raised a family, put your kids through college, and then some, this probably wasn't your real/true passion. Was it what you wanted to do when you were 8, 25, or even 35?
7 – It is possible that you invested more into work than work invested into you.
8 – Most employers (excepting Tony Hsieh and a few others) want an employee who will execyte and do their work as directed. This leaves less room for successful implementation of out of the box/creative ideas.
For more on the topic…
An in-depth discussion on the employee/employer relationship-
More on Employee/Employer Relationships
A survey done by Salary.com on Job Satisfaction and Retention broken down by employee responses vs. employer responses –
Salary.com Survey
Everyone has a different risk profile, but here are a few of my thoughts about the pros and cons of working for someone else-
The pros to being an employee:
1 - You don't take on the risk of the success or failure of the business. A lot of businesses fail.
2 – You can leave work at work.
3 – Your level of responsibility and overall burden can be less, depending on the company and role.
4 – You gain work experience, and learn, and are compensated.
5 – You have more leisure time.
The cons to being an employee:
1 - You will always "work for the man" and have reported to somebody other than yourself for your entire career.
2 - You built somebody else’s idea and worked towards and for their interests.
3 - After 20-30 years of hard work, dedication, sweat, tears, and blood, there is still a good chance that you will on the job market as a senior level candidate looking for work before you retire.
5 - Unless you are in the top 2-5% of your field, you are replaceable. Even the President of the United States is replaceable.
6 - Though you had a successful career, raised a family, put your kids through college, and then some, this probably wasn't your real/true passion. Was it what you wanted to do when you were 8, 25, or even 35?
7 – It is possible that you invested more into work than work invested into you.
8 – Most employers (excepting Tony Hsieh and a few others) want an employee who will execyte and do their work as directed. This leaves less room for successful implementation of out of the box/creative ideas.
For more on the topic…
An in-depth discussion on the employee/employer relationship-
More on Employee/Employer Relationships
A survey done by Salary.com on Job Satisfaction and Retention broken down by employee responses vs. employer responses –
Salary.com Survey
General Thoughts on How to Think About Some Things
I often think about my own career choices, and the various pros and cons of the 5 companies I have worked for over the past 7 years. What I have always considered and ruminated on in each of the opportunities, can be boiled down to a blend of economics (opportunity costs/trade-offs), psychology (motivations/self-interest), and philosophy (why/what’s the purpose/point?). Things that would often cross my mind are and consume my thoughts were focused around: how can my time best be utilized, what is the point of what I’m doing, and do I care about what I am doing here every day?
I basically analyzed my job the way a business would look at their costs, benefits and trade-offs.
For example-
If I do this job (x), what do I give up in return for doing x?
If I have a job that pays me 80k annually to sell their product, what am I giving up in exchange?
Or, you could be bit more touchy-feely about it -
1) I love my job, and it’s pushing me closer to where I want to be = win – win.
2) I hate my job, and all I get out of it is money = almost a complete loss.
3) I am learning, I like my co-workers, it’s not my dream job, dislike my manager = a messier breakdown of trade-offs.
However, if it’s anything other than a win-win, and exactly what you would like to be doing then you should acknowledge that there are some tradeoffs, long and short term.
You could be traveling ir inventing the next app for the iPhone. You could be practicing a musical instrument, or even searching for the job you really want!
That’s why for some matters in life, clearly not all are appropriate, I like to look at life like a series of trade-offs and ask myself what is going to get me the best return and utility?
I basically analyzed my job the way a business would look at their costs, benefits and trade-offs.
For example-
If I do this job (x), what do I give up in return for doing x?
If I have a job that pays me 80k annually to sell their product, what am I giving up in exchange?
Or, you could be bit more touchy-feely about it -
1) I love my job, and it’s pushing me closer to where I want to be = win – win.
2) I hate my job, and all I get out of it is money = almost a complete loss.
3) I am learning, I like my co-workers, it’s not my dream job, dislike my manager = a messier breakdown of trade-offs.
However, if it’s anything other than a win-win, and exactly what you would like to be doing then you should acknowledge that there are some tradeoffs, long and short term.
You could be traveling ir inventing the next app for the iPhone. You could be practicing a musical instrument, or even searching for the job you really want!
That’s why for some matters in life, clearly not all are appropriate, I like to look at life like a series of trade-offs and ask myself what is going to get me the best return and utility?
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